Daylight Savings Crime
It’s that time of year again! Flowers are blooming, trees are budding, bees are buzzing, and the whole world bursts with new life. Spring is upon us, but that’s not the season I’m talking about.
‘Tis the season to hear people complain about Daylight Savings Time!
Honestly, people, I really don’t get it. There are entire STATES in this union who just refuse to play ball with the rest of the world. It’s bizarre! Is that “lost” hour of sleep really so crucial to your life? Is a little biorhythm manipulation really a reason to not celebrate an entire extra hour of sunlight?
The history of all hitherto existing society is the history of daylight struggles.
Freeman and slave, patrician and plebeian, lord and serf, guild-master and journeyman, in a word, oppressor and oppressed, all stood in constant opposition to one another. They carried on an uninterrupted, now hidden, now open fight, a fight that each time ended, either in a revolutionary reconstitution of society at large, or in the common ruin of the contending classes.
But I say these two opposing forces should unite against an even greater menace, an even more insidious master who holds in thrall both boss and worker. That enemy is time itself.
Indeed, we have already fired the opening salvos against our oppressor with Daylight Savings Time! Think about this: warm spring breezes; playing Frisbee or throwing a football around; laying out a picnic blanket and having a bit of wine while you enjoy the winding down of a beautiful day. Already, for half the year, you are gifted with these things for an additional sixty minutes EVERY DAY.
This is a miracle we created for ourselves by simply agreeing to move our clocks around. How often do you feel enslaved to your timepiece, friends? Daylight Savings Time empowers you to throw off the shackle you call a wristwatch.
It’s a triumph of the human spirit is what it is.
Society as a whole is more and more splitting up into two great hostile camps, into two great classes directly facing each other — DST Lovers and DST Haters. And one of these groups is demonstrably insane.
When you lie on your deathbed slowly breathing your last, do you imagine yourself wishing for more hours sleeping or more hours enjoying warm weather in the beautiful outdoors?
And the worst part is, the people who complain about DST are usually complaining about when we go back to regular time! It’s not the Springing Forward; it’s the Falling Back everyone seems to hate (so much for that magic hour of sleep being the end-all-be-all of rest). So I propose a simple solution that will end this ideological warfare once and for all.
Engage Daylight Savings Time one final time then never change the clocks back.
It’s that simple. Just leave the clocks alone forever after. We set this thing up, didn’t we? Then change the rules for the better! Does anybody actually enjoy driving home from work in midnight blackness? Shouldn’t those who don’t live in an old folks home enjoy their evening meal while the sun still shines? And when we beat our swords into DVRs, we empowered ourselves to ignore that most unforgiving of timetables, the television schedule.
But this change can only come from forcible overthrow of not only the dictatorial timepieces, but also our own foolish prejudices against a sage and just institution like Daylight Savings Time.
Sunlight Lovers Unite! You Have Nothing to Lose But your Chains!